My Fearless and Fabulous Life

Scars, Track Marks and Everything In-Between

 

She was a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a heroin addict. I hesitated to put Julia's real story out there for fear that others might judge and not want to help me raise money for her funeral. Tonight I realized that the only one judging here is me. Julia died of an overdose while waiting for a bed in a rehab, she wanted help and was desperately seeking it. One of the sad truths of life is that sometimes the thing we seek, the thing we want the most is the one thing we can't find and the "monsters" we've let gain control of our lives come out the winners. There are those out there that might say she's better off, one less drug addict in the world….all I know is there is one less beautiful person in my world.

 

Julia popped into my life for the briefest of moments and 10 minutes after I met her I felt like I had known her forever. Julia loved music, sparkly things, and the Denver Broncos. She was stubborn, funny, and everyone noticed when she walked in the room. Julia's favorite thing in the world was her two daughters, who she just prayed would grow up safe and someday forgive her for the mess she had made in this life. I hope those prayers are answered and they know how much she loved them. Julia had one older brother, one younger brother and a little sister, she talked about them all the time and told stories about their life growing up. When she told those stories she usually ended up in tears because her younger brother Ryan had just been killed in a shooting accident, and they weren't speaking when he died. One day when she was having a particularly bad day Julia told me about a dream that she had of Ryan after he had passed and he told her that he loved her and that everything would be ok. She asked me what I thought of her dream and I told her "I think Ryan came to see you in your dreams". She said "yeah, me too."

 

Julia's hero was her dad, Mark. He is a friend of mine and one of the most caring people that I have ever met. He'd give you the shirt off his back even if he didn't know you, all he would need to know is that you needed it. Mark was a single dad and raised his three oldest children on his own. Julia told me stories of how he defended them, protected them, and struggled sometimes with the task of raising 3 kids on his own. I swear the way she talked about him she could have convinced you that he was superman. There was no question how much Julia loved her dad. There's just something about daughters and their dads…..I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child in any kind of a tragedy, all I have to go by is how my parents handled it when we lost my brother….not good doesn't even begin to describe it. Even worse than that how do you handle it when 30 days later you lose another child? I'm not sure how you get out of bed in the morning let alone function, and yet Mark has called to see if I'm ok…..I know that he's on autopilot just trying to get through, but honestly how do you do that?

 

Those of you who know me best know my own families battle with heroin addiction. By the grace of God, my daughter is still alive, while others die every day waiting for help that's never coming. We have a system that's very broken when it comes to helping someone overcome addiction. We live in a world that would rather put someone in prison than help them …..after all it is a war that we are fighting. The war on drugs leads us to believe that those who get caught up in using are our enemies, that somehow they are undeserving of our love. We tell them when you're clean then everything will be alright, that when you are clean I will love you and be there for you. The saddest part is that the only thing that will ever save anyone is love. That complete and total unconditional I will love you today, tomorrow and forever no matter what you do or who your addiction leads you to become. That's the only thing they need, but isn't that really the only thing that any of us need, just to be loved for who we are right now in this moment….scars, track marks and everything in-between?

 

If you are compelled please click on the link below and help me help my friend put his daughter to rest the way that she deserves. Mark would never ask or let anyone know that this is a struggle, so I am reaching out for him. I know that I have a group of the most compassionate friends and with your help we can give back to someone who is always giving to others.

www.gofundme.com/29anis

 

 

Farewell To Fearless

 

     I’m sitting here in amazement that it’s been two years now since I began writing this blog. Time flies when we’re not looking. Looking back my life is so different now it’s amazing how things change so fast. What we learn, what we let go of, what we become. I like to think that I have become a much better version of myself in the last two years, with the best still waiting around the corner. It’s a process, this thing we call life and I try to spend as much of it as I can becoming better than I was…just a moment ago.

     One of the things I’ve learned on this journey is that fear is not the bad guy like I thought it was. Fear is just that still small voice that is telling you that you are headed into unfamiliar territory. It only becomes the bad guy if we turn it into crippling fear and we use it as an excuse to not move forward. This was a hard lesson to learn, because fear gets a bad rap out in the world.  We get the message early on that we are supposed to go out and conquer the world and never fear any of it, and if we do then we must be broken somehow. The real message is to go out and conquer the world and don’t let your fear STOP you. Let it guide you safely into the unknown, and when fear stops you in your tracks to tell you that there is a giant boulder headed your way…you should listen to it and RUN!! Use it as your guide, your protector, your friend…not to hide behind, but to walk beside.
     When I started writing this I thought one day that I was going to wake up and never feel fear again. I never imagined that instead I would come full circle to a place where I no longer feared fear itself but respected it and in a strange way cherish its lessons in my life. That’s the trick to it really, but it’s a fine line that we walk between understanding the meaning of fear and letting it get out of control.  I am proud to say that it is no longer in control of me, by making friends with my fear I am now in control of it.
    As I sit here writing this I know that people all over the world are busy making plans for a better tomorrow. Summing up all of last year’s mistakes and putting together plans for how this year is going to be different. That goes double for me since the New Year also brings with it my birthday. Most people have a chance part way through the year to rehash, rethink and replan, but mine comes all at once. I like it better that way, just once a year to consider all of the possibilities that I have a chance to bring to my door in this fabulous life of mine. One of the big new changes in this year is I am saying farewell to my pursuit of being fearless and with that this blog. I am going to be taking my new found friend fear and journeying into the unfamiliar territory of living from the heart….stay tuned to the big new things I will be bringing to the world this year.  Thank you all that have been on this journey with me…blessings on the rest of yours.

 

Redefining Strength

 

 

     The dictionary defines strength as: 1) the quality or state of being strong; bodily, or muscular power. 2) Mental power, force or vigor. 3) Moral power, firmness or courage.

 

I’ve been thinking about the word strength all day. That seems to be my word lately it seems like everyday someone tells me how strong of a woman they think I am. Every time I hear that I laugh a little on the inside because I think that the definition that we have been given for strength is the superficial one and doesn’t even begin to cover what true strength looks like. I learned at a young age how to put up the walls and illusions that look like strength and that is the face of me the world sees.

 

     No one ever sees the other woman that resides inside me. Her motto is “never let them see you cry”, because the world teaches us that to cry or to show our emotion isn’t strong…it’s weak. Yet I tell my clients, my friends, and my daughters that it’s ok to cry. I encourage others to let themselves be seen, and to let their voices be heard and yet I’m a woman that has built so many walls around herself that even the people that know me, don’t know me, they just think they do. When I look in the mirror I still see a woman that couldn’t answer a question about her greatest dreams, because not only does she not share her past, she no longer shares her future.

 

     So what if the true definition of strength resides in all of the things that we are told make us weak. What if to find true courage you have to be willing to be perceived as weak, and vulnerable. What if to truly conquer the world you have to go out into it and do battle with your shields down and your emotions on your sleeve for the whole world to see. In a world that is full of people trying to be unseen what if true strength lies in being seen….completely seen.

 

     What if strength isn’t in not asking for others to help, but true strength is in being able to ask. To be privileged enough to have people to ask.  Some people don’t have anyone.

 

     What if our strength wasn’t in all of the burdens that we pile on our shoulders. What if the real strength came not only from the ones that we were willing to take on, but greater strength was found in the ones that we are willing to let go of.

 

     What if strength didn’t lie in the lack of tears we cry, but in the amount of tears we cry. What if the motto could change from “never let them see you cry”, to “always let them see you cry.” I bet there would be less tears in the world when we all just stopped holding them back.

 

     What if strength didn’t lie in the walls we build around our hearts, but only in the complete transparency of our hearts. In never being afraid to let someone see you. Trust me, being the invisible woman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

 

     What if true strength in a relationship was learning your lessons together then knowing when it’s time to move on. Understanding that letting go is part of life’s process…everything here on earth is temporary anyway. What if we could just let go of the attachments to love and just be love. Isn’t that the gift in our relationships anyway….love?

 

     What if strength wasn’t in making a mistake, but in never taking a chance. The biggest mistakes in the world will never take the place of the feeling you get when you take a chance and hit the jackpot.

 

     What if strength wasn’t really in the numbers like the old cliché’ says, but in the heart of one soul that wakes up and realizes that they can make a difference. Not standing in someone else’s shadow, but proud in the light you came here to shine.

 

     With these as my guiding principles for what true strength embodies I can honestly say that everyday I am becoming stronger and stronger. As I become more and more aware of who I am, and become less and less afraid of letting others see me I feel a strength inside me that is like nothing I have ever felt before. In redefining strength I am finding it hiding in the shadows of what I thought were my greatest weaknesses. 

Thank You...

“When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself.” ~ Tecumseh (Shawnee Native American Leader)

 

      Gratitude….a small word that speaks volumes about the person that you are, and why you are where you are in life. I meet them all the time…the complainers, nothing in their life ever goes right, they never get what they want and yet many times I find myself thinking, “how could someone who has so much believe they have so little.”  As a society we have been taught to always want more, more, more and somewhere in there we have lost sight of the blessings in our lives…just as they are, nothing more required. I am finding that as I am letting go of things, the desire for more things is disappearing and a sense of overwhelming gratitude for all of the things that I do have in my life is taking over. Life is getting simpler, less complicated and  I’m finding myself a whole lot more free. 

 

     “It is quite possible to leave your home for a walk in the early morning air and return a different person - beguiled, enchanted.” ~ Mary Ellen Chase

 

     If you knew that you had the ability to change your whole world around in just a matter of moments …would you? Or would you continue to see the things that are missing in your world and be blind to all of those things that you have which are truly the only ones that are important in the first place? If you could choose a brand new life in a moments notice…to literally as the quote above says, take a walk and come back a different person, would you take the walk? Or would you continue to sit on the front porch and watch as you continue to stay stuck in the same life full of lack and unhappiness that you have been living in?  Know that no matter which life you decide on it’s your choice…it always has been. If I walk in gratitude today for my blessings or if I wander around in want for the things that I don’t have or wish were different…It’s all my choice.

 

     Life has seemed a little harder lately with so many changes hitting me all at once. While I am normally grateful for my life and all of my blessings in it sometimes during the challenging times we forget to be grateful for those as well. Nothing is really bad, I need the lessons that I am learning, I need all of the changes, and the challenges so I can continue to grow into the person I am becoming. No challenge is ever permanent and when we forget to look at all of the amazing things that are happening around us as a result   then we miss them all together. Makes me wonder what great things I’ve missed out on in my life when I have been so caught up in the details of life’s challenges. It reminds me of the old saying “can’t see the forest for the trees.”

 

    No matter where we are in life, there is nothing so wrong that we can’t find something to be grateful for. I am finding that those are the times that we probably have more to be grateful for than any other time. When things are going great it’s easy to have gratitude, but that almost seems to come from a superficial place. It’s being grateful during the difficult times that the world finds out who you truly are. No matter where you are right now in your life I invite you to take that walk with me and remember two of the most powerful words there are for changing your life are simply…… Thank you….

 

 

Alice in Wonderland

 

     When I was a kid the story of Alice in Wonderland never intrigued me much, but oddly as an adult I’m completely fascinated by it. Somehow I can relate to “falling down the rabbit hole”…..life somehow seems to be one big maze that I can’t find my way out of and of course always filled with the most interesting characters. Each one with a lesson to teach me that is written in riddles that I have to figure out.

 

     The other day I made a comment about relating to Alice and one of my friends told me to look for the mirrors….thanks Nathan (she says sarcastically) So of course I looked for the mirrors and what I found was as with everything in life it’s all about me! All of those characters another part of myself, some of which I choose to pretend don’t exist for fear of maybe not so much what others will think, but if I admit that girl is a part of me then how will I still love myself. After all, I had written some of those characters off long ago as worthless or not important to the story….only to now discover they are some of the main characters.

 

     One of the main characters in my version of Alice in Wonderland is the girl that didn’t let anyone in. She never let people see who she was, oh sure she’d show different people different parts of her, but the thought of someone actually knowing her….all of her, scared her to know end. She learned a long time ago that the less people know about you the less they can judge you and the less you get hurt. The problem with her philosophy is that if you get in life what you give, then on the flip side of that is no one ever let’s you in either. Life from there turns into a series of doomed relationships where two people spend way to much time trying to be “unknown” to the other and it eventually implodes….then of course you lather, rinse, repeat yourself through the same chain of events with a new character playing the leading man.  

 

     The other character that is taking a leading role in the story lately is the control freak. She always has to have the illusion of control….never realizing that by seeking to be in control she really has none. It has made for some more interesting parts of the story, a.k.a. the darker chapters. She controls others to the degree that they will allow it, controls situations, and controls her emotions to an unhealthy degree. She lives her life driven by uncertainty, which leads to fear, which leads to new levels of the need to control, which in turn leads to chaos….the craziest part of all is that while she is wrapped up in this vicious cycle of chaos, she’ll swear that she had complete control the whole time.

 

     Then of course we have the girl that needs to be loved. She has recently discovered that the idea of the old fashioned love that she has been looking for…you know the one…boy meets girl, they fall in love get married and live happily ever after….she’s discovered that maybe those old fashioned ideals just maybe don’t fit. Probably never have and that’s a huge part of why she can’t hold a relationship together, deep down she doesn’t want to. Deep inside this girl there is such a strong need for freedom and independence, and she can’t find it in the people and places that are asking her to give it up. The worst part about this character is all of the guilt and shame she has piled on her back because the rest of the world tells her that it’s wrong. It seems most of society is still stuck in the old paradigm of the whole boy meets girl scenario, with the white picket fence, and if that isn’t what you are looking for, then there must be something wrong with you.

 

     My daughter made the observation that maybe I relate to Alice because I relate to her sense of “wandering lostness.”  There is nothing quite like being hit in the head with a 2x4 by your own kid, but thanks Ashton. Those were words that I needed to hear. I am now in the process of ending that feeling in my life. It’s time to find the lessons that these characters have to teach me, forgive then, and learn to love them. They are all a part of my story and a part of who I am, and by not feeding them, and integrating them into my being I only make matters worse.

 

     The good, the bad and the ugly is a part of all of us if we judge it to be so. Truth about that statement is the “if we judge it to be so.” I do understand that I have a choice, and at any given time I can choose to see it all as necessary for my learning adventure here on earth, or I can continue to wander lost and never understand why. I choose to love, all of the different parts of me so that they may be healed, released, and let go, and space can be made for some new leading characters in my version of Alice in Wonderland.  

F.L.Y.

     When you stepped out on the edge today, what did it feel like when you asked yourself “what would life be like, if only I could FLY?” Was there a voice from within that said that it’s not possible?  Did that voice from deep inside scream out you could, if only your wings weren’t broken? Did you hear that broken record in your head repeating all of the what if’s that keep you grounded in your pain?

 

     So many people lately seem to be having such a hard time, seem to be giving up. Closing their eyes to all the beauty that surrounds them, because they have forgotten the beauty that dwells within them. We forget sometimes that our true power lies within us. The power to choose the life we live, the power to make tomorrow different than today, the power to rise above our self proclaimed limitations and make our world anything we want it to be. If only ….we could FLY.

 

     In Eat, Pray, Love Elizabeth Gilbert says “God dwells within us, as us. So tomorrow when you step out on the edge….remember nothing’s broken only bruised. The what if’s, the fear, it’s just an illusion of our own making. You are already perfect in everyway, life is perfect in every way. Our bad days are here to teach us something that we have yet to learn and our good days are here to teach us to appreciate the lessons. There is no mountain that you can’t conquer….if only you would F.L.Y.

 

F.L.Y. = First Love Yourself

 

 

 

My Eulogy

     I have been tasked today as part of a class assignment to write my own eulogy. To project myself into the future and write about my life as if I had lived all of my dreams. To put on paper all of the things that I hope that people will remember about me when I transition from this life to the next. I have done this assignment one other time and I did it just the way it was assigned, looking out into a future that has yet come to pass and trying to imagine all of the things that I would like to accomplish before I die. This time however I am struggling with that. Not because I can’t imagine accomplishing great things in my life, but because I know that I already have. Because on the quest to write about and imagine the perfect life, sometimes we forget that maybe, just maybe we are living the perfect life, despite all appearances to the contrary.

 

     SO HERE GOES….

 

     Jeannie McCall died today, but she didn’t leave this world in the usual way. Today she left behind all of the things that she judged as not being good enough to be a part of her experience here on earth. She left behind the judgment that she wasn’t good enough, or worthy of the things in this life that she wanted. She finally today, embraced the fact that she had a contribution to make to this world with a certainty that she had never known before.

 

     Jeannie truly realized just today that it is through our darkness that we find our light. That if we take the journey through ourselves that some fear to make, that we ALWAYS come out the other side with an understanding that not only is life fair, but the parts we label as dark are the most beautiful in the end. That is of course if we choose to search for the lessons that are hidden within. That is a gift that there is no doubt she gave to countless others.

 

     Jeannie observed life in a different way than most other people in the world. She knew that her life and her reality was her own responsibility and that if she wasn’t happy, it was no one’s fault except her own. Realizing that peace and happiness can only come from within, today she died to the idea that she would ever truly find it elsewhere.

 

     Today as Jeannie transitioned from this life to the next she knew without a doubt that there were two things that mattered above all others in this life. The first of those is unconditional love. That is to love with all your heart with no expectation of someone changing to be who you think they should be. She carried in her heart the gift of accepting you right now, just as you are. AND today….just today she died to the idea that she was herself not worthy of that kind of love. BECAUSE today for she gave to herself, the same kind of complete and total unconditional love that she had always given to others.

 

     The second she put even above love, because without it even the light of love was dimmer. What could she have possibly valued above love….?  Passion, because without passion …..well Jeannie always believed that this quote  by Joss Whedon summed it up…

   

“ Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping…waiting…and though unwanted…unbidden…it will stir open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us…guides us….passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love… the clarity of hatred…and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we’d know some kind of peace…but we would be hollow empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we’d be truly dead.”

 

     Jeannie McCall died today, but she didn’t leave this world in the usual way…

 

The Perfect Moment

     Staring out the window at the unknown that night, who knew that would be the one moment out of all of them that would stand out in my head as the perfect moment. It’s not always where you expect it to be. That perfect moment, we are all searching for. Sometimes it is in fact hidden in the tiniest of spaces, the ones so small that if we happen to blink at just the wrong time you would miss what you were seeking. Lately I have walked through many different moments that most people would be saying “I’ll never forget that”, but for me the whole journey will be remembered in just that one sunset.

 

     Never will I forget staring out the window of the plane that night, with the perfect picture staring back at me. No need for a camera, this one is burned in my brain. The landscape went from the darkest black, to a fiery red, and then turned into the most beautiful shade of blue that I had ever seen. From the inside of the plane, words from “A Course in Miracles” are reflecting in the glass, reminding me to breathe in the miracle that is right now and a voice from nowhere whispers “remember”.

 

     I have had a lot of big moments in my life lately, the kind that you would think that a girl would want to throw over her shoulder and carry with her. In the end however it’s not any of those that I am choosing to put in my heart for safe keeping for the future. I don’t need the dramatic things, never did, all I needed was that one small perfect moment looking out the window at that most amazing sky. That’s the moment I’m going to take with me, my perfect picture, my perfect moment.   

In This House

 

     Sixteen years this March I will have been in this house. That’s a long time for a girl that truly does have the heart of a gypsy. I have wished and longed, and dreamed for adventure to take me somewhere else. My children however needed me to stay closer to a place they could call home and this is where we found it, our little house on the corner in Phoenix Arizona.

 

     I just found out this morning that my house is being sold. I knew already that my time to move on had a long time ago come and gone and plans were in the works for me to move this year anyway. Still as I look around at the place where I raised not only my children, but myself I can’t help but mourn a little for the closing of a chapter. At the turn of every corner are so many memories, good or bad, really doesn’t matter, our lives, our stories have unfolded here. What happens from here on out is only another part of our stories. Still looking up at my window at the “stained glass” stickers Alyssa made for me as a little girl, that long ago baked onto the glass, the tears can’t help but come.

 

     I know deep down that everything really does have a greater higher purpose and really this is only the universe taking my excuses away. I know that my life, my destiny really doesn’t reside within these walls. I know that I am more than this house or this life that I have led here. Change after all eventually comes for all of us and I will embrace it with all of the necessary tears, laughter, sadness and celebration that it deserves. We will take the rest of our journey here one day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time in that house where me and my girls grew up.

 

    This song by Jessica Andrews somehow sums up my feelings. It doesn't matter if it's a person, or a home there is alway more to us than we sometimes give ourselves credit for. I know like I said that I am more than the plaster and the paint that is this house. "I'm on my own and on my way" ! 

  

It Really is a Wonderful, Wonderful, WONDERFUL Life....

 

     Just over a year now since I started this blog. I’m proud of myself for not just starting it, but keeping it up. Being able to come into this space and write has given me a whole new way to process things when they come up. I’ve also found that I LOVE to write! The best part of all about it is in the declaring that I am living a “Fearless and Fabulous Life”, the magick of those words have transformed my world into something that I could have never imagined and wouldn’t trade for anything.

     In my old life my oldest daughter Ashton was lost in a world where nothing mattered except her next needle full of heroin, and my other daughter Alyssa was slipping away into a life full of grief and guilt for someone else’s choices. Me, I was just holding on for dear life trying not to break in two. Late in 2010 is when the real shifting started to take place. It came to a point where I finally and painfully let go of Ashton’s hand and just let her fall. I didn’t know it at the time, but that moment was building the strength in me for when I was going to have to do the same thing for Alyssa.

 

     Turns out…….

 

     The hardest thing to do usually is the right decision. Just beyond the veil of fear is a whole new wonderful life. The biggest lesson I have learned this year is the one thing to never be afraid of is letting go. To let go of someone you love doesn’t mean that you don’t love them, just that you trust in God to take you both where you are supposed to be. This has been a year of letting go. I have let go of old fears that have ruled my life, I have let go of friends that didn’t serve my new life, of a relationship that held me back and of many other things that no longer fit in my life. The best part is that as I let go I find that my heart doesn’t shrivel up from the pain of it, but opens in big new ways and allows the space for even greater things to come into my life. The lesson in there…never be afraid to let go, something better is waiting to fill that space.

 

     AND NOW….

 

     As I begin my 40^th year here in this wonderful world Ashton is celebrating her first year free of heroin. I am so proud of her for finding her way. I appreciate how hard it is some days because I understand how hard it is to have to feel not only your own pain, but that of those around you. I think this year she has found out that she is stronger than she ever imagined.                

      Ashton ….I love you more than I could ever have imagined that I could love someone. You saved my life the day that you came into it, and you continue to do so on a regular basis. I couldn’t be prouder of you. Even during the hard years, I never stopped loving you or believing that you would find your way. I know that things are still not exactly like you want them to be, but that just means they are how they are supposed to be. You are the color in my life, I love you.

     To be stuck in the darkness of guilt and grief is a place that so many people in this world get lost. To decide that one is unworthy of love or happiness is a trap that everyday people fall into. To watch someone you love hovering around that black hole and knowing that they have to save themselves is one of the hardest things I have ever done. To see the outcome when she decides on her own that she no longer has to be lost….worth every painful second spent watching.

     Alyssa….you bring a joy into this world that I cannot explain. You have always had a fire in you for life that was unlike anything that I have ever seen…you are my fearless girl. I am so glad that you discovered what I have always known, that you are worthy of love and you deserve to be happy. That man in your life is a good one, I love him for helping bring you back to life. Keep trusting….I love you more than words can express.

    TODAY….

 

     More than ever the words Fearless and Fabulous describe my life. I have been blessed with so much more than I could have ever imagined. This year will be all about adding to that. I will keep going to places that I have never gone before and doing things that I have never done. I will be grateful everyday for all of the blessings in my life, especially on the hard days.  Every night as I close my eyes to go to sleep, I will declare to the world that it really is a wonderful, wonderful, WONDERFUL life. I’m so grateful that it’s my life.