"Enlightenment is simply this," said the Zen master. "When I walk, I walk. When I eat, I eat. When I sleep, I sleep."
Have you ever had one of those days, you know the ones, the ones where God has a sense of humor at your expense all day? I’m sorry I mean where God has a sense of humor for your benefit all day. The best lessons to me are the ones that are taught with just a little humor attached to them. Today as you may have guessed has been one of those days.
For those of you who regularly read my blog you know that my last post was all about my fear and a declaration to begin conquering one very specific fear, my fear of trust. I thought that realizing it, declaring to fix it and taking what I thought was a huge step towards conquering it was a good amount of progress for just a few days. Apparently sometimes it isn’t about taking the step, it’s all in how you take the step. I guess relentlessly trying to talk yourself out of something and then keeping yourself in a constant state of “what if” afterwards is not what it’s supposed to look like.
I am enrolled in a Mysticism program at Earth Spirit Center, the healing center I work at, and tonight was our last night of the class on Kabala. We have been working with a tool called “The 72 Names of God” throughout the class. The 72 Names of God comes in the form of a deck of cards, each week we pick a card and always they bring up the very issues we were already working on or that we most need to work on. Tonight’s card had probably the biggest lesson of the whole class, for all of us. My card of course…FEAR(LESS), what else !
“Life is not about coping with fears, it is not about surviving bouts of anxiety or just working our way through panic attacks. Life is about achieving absolute happiness, complete freedom, and true fulfillment”. This is where I began to see that it wasn’t about the step, it was all about how I took that step, and this was God’s funny way of saying “hey, you are not walking the walk”. “Incapacitating fear is an illusion. Fear is a bluff, and we must call the bluff- because on the other side of fear lies paradise! If we run away from our fears, we are fleeing from the fulfillment of our own deepest longings and needs”. Part of the humor in all of this for me, is the truth in you hear what you need to hear exactly when you need to hear it. I needed those words today. I needed the discussion that came with them, the laughter, the lesson…yes once again I have found myself in gratitude for the lessons learned.
Earlier in the evening one of my friends was talking about seeing a video posted by NASA on what it looks like for a star to be lost in a black hole. “Light won’t penetrate a black hole, so we have no idea what is in it”, yet she said “stars, light bodies are drawn not only to them but they are drawn to be a part of them”. My card tonight “Before we reach paradise and plentitude we must journey through a barren desert before there is light, there is darkness”. Lately when it comes to fear, it seems that I have been seeking out the darkness of it, and forgetting about the light that it will ultimately transform it’s self into. I myself have not even recognized the “crazy” girl I have been lately.
Ultimately I understand that the key to true happiness is not in who you spend your life with, but how you spend your life. Did you have more days that were happy then sad. More up, than down. More right than wrong. More lessons learned than missed. The key to all of the above is to stay in the moment and not let ourselves come out of the vibration of love, which is the opposite of the vibration of fear. With one the other cannot exist.
Just before class tonight one of the guys in the class says to me “I don’t know where it came from, but I just had the urge to reach over and poke you in the arm, you know, in a brotherly I can see your tired and I just want to bug you kind of way”. While I am glad he resisted the urge, the humor of the statement is not lost on me as I know I was given a gentle nudge back on my path tonight. Thank you God for showing me once again what I was missing.
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