The Thing I've Never Said Is....

The One Thing I’ve Never Said Is…

   

     I have a teacher that is posting a thought to ponder everyday from his book It’s all in the Sharing Companion Journal, as a challenge for myself I decided to write about the questions that were posted each day. I’m not entirely sure that I am ready to be this open with my life on here. There have been subjects I avoid, and sometimes even though I am on the subject all I really am willing to share is the lesson learned, not so much the situation that led me to the lesson. I know that these questions will stretch me and take me to uncomfortable places that I still need to go, but it’s all about stepping out of my fear and into my life. Right?

 

     Thought 1; The one thing I’ve never said is…

 

    The first one of course lands on the very topic that I have a tendency to avoid on here, relationships. This actually came up for me in a very big way just yesterday. I heard from my ex yesterday, for the first time in a few months. We spent 4 years together, lived together for 3 and in the span of three days he was completely gone, out of my house, out of the state and out of my life. Talk about ripping off the band aide really fast! We stayed in touch for awhile, mostly because I am always the “let’s be friends” girl. The problem with staying friends with this one was made so much more difficult by the way he chose to be dishonest about everything. We were not together so I am still unsure of why he needed to lie to me about so many things. Finally I decided that it would be better for me if I cut off contact, and I did.

     The silence was broken yesterday when I received an email telling me he would be in town this week. I immediately got a stomach ache and replied with I’m very busy and have no time. His response was to start texting mutual friends that I work with and trying to make plans with them so he could come by where I work. By the end of the day I was completely twisted up in knots and I couldn’t figure out why. Our ending really was a mutual thing we were not happy and had not been for awhile. So why was the thought of seeing him so hard? I really am good friends with all of the other men who have been in my life, so my need to not be this one’s friend is strange for me.

     On the way home last night I called my sister Kari and ranted at her about the situation, trying to gain some understanding of why I was feeling the way I was. The answer oddly enough came in the writing prompt for the day. The one thing I’ve never said is he hurt me. Not so much with leaving, but all of the things that lead up to that, and things after. I’m not sure why that has been such a hard thing for me to admit, especially to myself. I guess my ego doesn’t like to admit when it’s been bruised. With this realization I haven’t shifted into some magical place where all is well and I am willing to see him while he is here. I have however come to an awareness of something inside me that I need to take the steps to heal before I can completely move on. After all, awareness of a problem is the first step in the recovery process, and I know the recovery although it won’t be painless will be quick.