When I was a kid the story of Alice in Wonderland never intrigued me much, but oddly as an adult I’m completely fascinated by it. Somehow I can relate to “falling down the rabbit hole”…..life somehow seems to be one big maze that I can’t find my way out of and of course always filled with the most interesting characters. Each one with a lesson to teach me that is written in riddles that I have to figure out.
The other day I made a comment about relating to Alice and one of my friends told me to look for the mirrors….thanks Nathan (she says sarcastically) So of course I looked for the mirrors and what I found was as with everything in life it’s all about me! All of those characters another part of myself, some of which I choose to pretend don’t exist for fear of maybe not so much what others will think, but if I admit that girl is a part of me then how will I still love myself. After all, I had written some of those characters off long ago as worthless or not important to the story….only to now discover they are some of the main characters.
One of the main characters in my version of Alice in Wonderland is the girl that didn’t let anyone in. She never let people see who she was, oh sure she’d show different people different parts of her, but the thought of someone actually knowing her….all of her, scared her to know end. She learned a long time ago that the less people know about you the less they can judge you and the less you get hurt. The problem with her philosophy is that if you get in life what you give, then on the flip side of that is no one ever let’s you in either. Life from there turns into a series of doomed relationships where two people spend way to much time trying to be “unknown” to the other and it eventually implodes….then of course you lather, rinse, repeat yourself through the same chain of events with a new character playing the leading man.
The other character that is taking a leading role in the story lately is the control freak. She always has to have the illusion of control….never realizing that by seeking to be in control she really has none. It has made for some more interesting parts of the story, a.k.a. the darker chapters. She controls others to the degree that they will allow it, controls situations, and controls her emotions to an unhealthy degree. She lives her life driven by uncertainty, which leads to fear, which leads to new levels of the need to control, which in turn leads to chaos….the craziest part of all is that while she is wrapped up in this vicious cycle of chaos, she’ll swear that she had complete control the whole time.
Then of course we have the girl that needs to be loved. She has recently discovered that the idea of the old fashioned love that she has been looking for…you know the one…boy meets girl, they fall in love get married and live happily ever after….she’s discovered that maybe those old fashioned ideals just maybe don’t fit. Probably never have and that’s a huge part of why she can’t hold a relationship together, deep down she doesn’t want to. Deep inside this girl there is such a strong need for freedom and independence, and she can’t find it in the people and places that are asking her to give it up. The worst part about this character is all of the guilt and shame she has piled on her back because the rest of the world tells her that it’s wrong. It seems most of society is still stuck in the old paradigm of the whole boy meets girl scenario, with the white picket fence, and if that isn’t what you are looking for, then there must be something wrong with you.
My daughter made the observation that maybe I relate to Alice because I relate to her sense of “wandering lostness.” There is nothing quite like being hit in the head with a 2x4 by your own kid, but thanks Ashton. Those were words that I needed to hear. I am now in the process of ending that feeling in my life. It’s time to find the lessons that these characters have to teach me, forgive then, and learn to love them. They are all a part of my story and a part of who I am, and by not feeding them, and integrating them into my being I only make matters worse.
The good, the bad and the ugly is a part of all of us if we judge it to be so. Truth about that statement is the “if we judge it to be so.” I do understand that I have a choice, and at any given time I can choose to see it all as necessary for my learning adventure here on earth, or I can continue to wander lost and never understand why. I choose to love, all of the different parts of me so that they may be healed, released, and let go, and space can be made for some new leading characters in my version of Alice in Wonderland.
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