My Fearless and Fabulous Life

Farewell To Fearless

 

     I’m sitting here in amazement that it’s been two years now since I began writing this blog. Time flies when we’re not looking. Looking back my life is so different now it’s amazing how things change so fast. What we learn, what we let go of, what we become. I like to think that I have become a much better version of myself in the last two years, with the best still waiting around the corner. It’s a process, this thing we call life and I try to spend as much of it as I can becoming better than I was…just a moment ago.

     One of the things I’ve learned on this journey is that fear is not the bad guy like I thought it was. Fear is just that still small voice that is telling you that you are headed into unfamiliar territory. It only becomes the bad guy if we turn it into crippling fear and we use it as an excuse to not move forward. This was a hard lesson to learn, because fear gets a bad rap out in the world.  We get the message early on that we are supposed to go out and conquer the world and never fear any of it, and if we do then we must be broken somehow. The real message is to go out and conquer the world and don’t let your fear STOP you. Let it guide you safely into the unknown, and when fear stops you in your tracks to tell you that there is a giant boulder headed your way…you should listen to it and RUN!! Use it as your guide, your protector, your friend…not to hide behind, but to walk beside.
     When I started writing this I thought one day that I was going to wake up and never feel fear again. I never imagined that instead I would come full circle to a place where I no longer feared fear itself but respected it and in a strange way cherish its lessons in my life. That’s the trick to it really, but it’s a fine line that we walk between understanding the meaning of fear and letting it get out of control.  I am proud to say that it is no longer in control of me, by making friends with my fear I am now in control of it.
    As I sit here writing this I know that people all over the world are busy making plans for a better tomorrow. Summing up all of last year’s mistakes and putting together plans for how this year is going to be different. That goes double for me since the New Year also brings with it my birthday. Most people have a chance part way through the year to rehash, rethink and replan, but mine comes all at once. I like it better that way, just once a year to consider all of the possibilities that I have a chance to bring to my door in this fabulous life of mine. One of the big new changes in this year is I am saying farewell to my pursuit of being fearless and with that this blog. I am going to be taking my new found friend fear and journeying into the unfamiliar territory of living from the heart….stay tuned to the big new things I will be bringing to the world this year.  Thank you all that have been on this journey with me…blessings on the rest of yours.

 

Redefining Strength

 

 

     The dictionary defines strength as: 1) the quality or state of being strong; bodily, or muscular power. 2) Mental power, force or vigor. 3) Moral power, firmness or courage.

 

I’ve been thinking about the word strength all day. That seems to be my word lately it seems like everyday someone tells me how strong of a woman they think I am. Every time I hear that I laugh a little on the inside because I think that the definition that we have been given for strength is the superficial one and doesn’t even begin to cover what true strength looks like. I learned at a young age how to put up the walls and illusions that look like strength and that is the face of me the world sees.

 

     No one ever sees the other woman that resides inside me. Her motto is “never let them see you cry”, because the world teaches us that to cry or to show our emotion isn’t strong…it’s weak. Yet I tell my clients, my friends, and my daughters that it’s ok to cry. I encourage others to let themselves be seen, and to let their voices be heard and yet I’m a woman that has built so many walls around herself that even the people that know me, don’t know me, they just think they do. When I look in the mirror I still see a woman that couldn’t answer a question about her greatest dreams, because not only does she not share her past, she no longer shares her future.

 

     So what if the true definition of strength resides in all of the things that we are told make us weak. What if to find true courage you have to be willing to be perceived as weak, and vulnerable. What if to truly conquer the world you have to go out into it and do battle with your shields down and your emotions on your sleeve for the whole world to see. In a world that is full of people trying to be unseen what if true strength lies in being seen….completely seen.

 

     What if strength isn’t in not asking for others to help, but true strength is in being able to ask. To be privileged enough to have people to ask.  Some people don’t have anyone.

 

     What if our strength wasn’t in all of the burdens that we pile on our shoulders. What if the real strength came not only from the ones that we were willing to take on, but greater strength was found in the ones that we are willing to let go of.

 

     What if strength didn’t lie in the lack of tears we cry, but in the amount of tears we cry. What if the motto could change from “never let them see you cry”, to “always let them see you cry.” I bet there would be less tears in the world when we all just stopped holding them back.

 

     What if strength didn’t lie in the walls we build around our hearts, but only in the complete transparency of our hearts. In never being afraid to let someone see you. Trust me, being the invisible woman isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

 

     What if true strength in a relationship was learning your lessons together then knowing when it’s time to move on. Understanding that letting go is part of life’s process…everything here on earth is temporary anyway. What if we could just let go of the attachments to love and just be love. Isn’t that the gift in our relationships anyway….love?

 

     What if strength wasn’t in making a mistake, but in never taking a chance. The biggest mistakes in the world will never take the place of the feeling you get when you take a chance and hit the jackpot.

 

     What if strength wasn’t really in the numbers like the old cliché’ says, but in the heart of one soul that wakes up and realizes that they can make a difference. Not standing in someone else’s shadow, but proud in the light you came here to shine.

 

     With these as my guiding principles for what true strength embodies I can honestly say that everyday I am becoming stronger and stronger. As I become more and more aware of who I am, and become less and less afraid of letting others see me I feel a strength inside me that is like nothing I have ever felt before. In redefining strength I am finding it hiding in the shadows of what I thought were my greatest weaknesses. 

Thank You...

“When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies with yourself.” ~ Tecumseh (Shawnee Native American Leader)

 

      Gratitude….a small word that speaks volumes about the person that you are, and why you are where you are in life. I meet them all the time…the complainers, nothing in their life ever goes right, they never get what they want and yet many times I find myself thinking, “how could someone who has so much believe they have so little.”  As a society we have been taught to always want more, more, more and somewhere in there we have lost sight of the blessings in our lives…just as they are, nothing more required. I am finding that as I am letting go of things, the desire for more things is disappearing and a sense of overwhelming gratitude for all of the things that I do have in my life is taking over. Life is getting simpler, less complicated and  I’m finding myself a whole lot more free. 

 

     “It is quite possible to leave your home for a walk in the early morning air and return a different person - beguiled, enchanted.” ~ Mary Ellen Chase

 

     If you knew that you had the ability to change your whole world around in just a matter of moments …would you? Or would you continue to see the things that are missing in your world and be blind to all of those things that you have which are truly the only ones that are important in the first place? If you could choose a brand new life in a moments notice…to literally as the quote above says, take a walk and come back a different person, would you take the walk? Or would you continue to sit on the front porch and watch as you continue to stay stuck in the same life full of lack and unhappiness that you have been living in?  Know that no matter which life you decide on it’s your choice…it always has been. If I walk in gratitude today for my blessings or if I wander around in want for the things that I don’t have or wish were different…It’s all my choice.

 

     Life has seemed a little harder lately with so many changes hitting me all at once. While I am normally grateful for my life and all of my blessings in it sometimes during the challenging times we forget to be grateful for those as well. Nothing is really bad, I need the lessons that I am learning, I need all of the changes, and the challenges so I can continue to grow into the person I am becoming. No challenge is ever permanent and when we forget to look at all of the amazing things that are happening around us as a result   then we miss them all together. Makes me wonder what great things I’ve missed out on in my life when I have been so caught up in the details of life’s challenges. It reminds me of the old saying “can’t see the forest for the trees.”

 

    No matter where we are in life, there is nothing so wrong that we can’t find something to be grateful for. I am finding that those are the times that we probably have more to be grateful for than any other time. When things are going great it’s easy to have gratitude, but that almost seems to come from a superficial place. It’s being grateful during the difficult times that the world finds out who you truly are. No matter where you are right now in your life I invite you to take that walk with me and remember two of the most powerful words there are for changing your life are simply…… Thank you….

 

 

Alice in Wonderland

 

     When I was a kid the story of Alice in Wonderland never intrigued me much, but oddly as an adult I’m completely fascinated by it. Somehow I can relate to “falling down the rabbit hole”…..life somehow seems to be one big maze that I can’t find my way out of and of course always filled with the most interesting characters. Each one with a lesson to teach me that is written in riddles that I have to figure out.

 

     The other day I made a comment about relating to Alice and one of my friends told me to look for the mirrors….thanks Nathan (she says sarcastically) So of course I looked for the mirrors and what I found was as with everything in life it’s all about me! All of those characters another part of myself, some of which I choose to pretend don’t exist for fear of maybe not so much what others will think, but if I admit that girl is a part of me then how will I still love myself. After all, I had written some of those characters off long ago as worthless or not important to the story….only to now discover they are some of the main characters.

 

     One of the main characters in my version of Alice in Wonderland is the girl that didn’t let anyone in. She never let people see who she was, oh sure she’d show different people different parts of her, but the thought of someone actually knowing her….all of her, scared her to know end. She learned a long time ago that the less people know about you the less they can judge you and the less you get hurt. The problem with her philosophy is that if you get in life what you give, then on the flip side of that is no one ever let’s you in either. Life from there turns into a series of doomed relationships where two people spend way to much time trying to be “unknown” to the other and it eventually implodes….then of course you lather, rinse, repeat yourself through the same chain of events with a new character playing the leading man.  

 

     The other character that is taking a leading role in the story lately is the control freak. She always has to have the illusion of control….never realizing that by seeking to be in control she really has none. It has made for some more interesting parts of the story, a.k.a. the darker chapters. She controls others to the degree that they will allow it, controls situations, and controls her emotions to an unhealthy degree. She lives her life driven by uncertainty, which leads to fear, which leads to new levels of the need to control, which in turn leads to chaos….the craziest part of all is that while she is wrapped up in this vicious cycle of chaos, she’ll swear that she had complete control the whole time.

 

     Then of course we have the girl that needs to be loved. She has recently discovered that the idea of the old fashioned love that she has been looking for…you know the one…boy meets girl, they fall in love get married and live happily ever after….she’s discovered that maybe those old fashioned ideals just maybe don’t fit. Probably never have and that’s a huge part of why she can’t hold a relationship together, deep down she doesn’t want to. Deep inside this girl there is such a strong need for freedom and independence, and she can’t find it in the people and places that are asking her to give it up. The worst part about this character is all of the guilt and shame she has piled on her back because the rest of the world tells her that it’s wrong. It seems most of society is still stuck in the old paradigm of the whole boy meets girl scenario, with the white picket fence, and if that isn’t what you are looking for, then there must be something wrong with you.

 

     My daughter made the observation that maybe I relate to Alice because I relate to her sense of “wandering lostness.”  There is nothing quite like being hit in the head with a 2x4 by your own kid, but thanks Ashton. Those were words that I needed to hear. I am now in the process of ending that feeling in my life. It’s time to find the lessons that these characters have to teach me, forgive then, and learn to love them. They are all a part of my story and a part of who I am, and by not feeding them, and integrating them into my being I only make matters worse.

 

     The good, the bad and the ugly is a part of all of us if we judge it to be so. Truth about that statement is the “if we judge it to be so.” I do understand that I have a choice, and at any given time I can choose to see it all as necessary for my learning adventure here on earth, or I can continue to wander lost and never understand why. I choose to love, all of the different parts of me so that they may be healed, released, and let go, and space can be made for some new leading characters in my version of Alice in Wonderland.  

F.L.Y.

     When you stepped out on the edge today, what did it feel like when you asked yourself “what would life be like, if only I could FLY?” Was there a voice from within that said that it’s not possible?  Did that voice from deep inside scream out you could, if only your wings weren’t broken? Did you hear that broken record in your head repeating all of the what if’s that keep you grounded in your pain?

 

     So many people lately seem to be having such a hard time, seem to be giving up. Closing their eyes to all the beauty that surrounds them, because they have forgotten the beauty that dwells within them. We forget sometimes that our true power lies within us. The power to choose the life we live, the power to make tomorrow different than today, the power to rise above our self proclaimed limitations and make our world anything we want it to be. If only ….we could FLY.

 

     In Eat, Pray, Love Elizabeth Gilbert says “God dwells within us, as us. So tomorrow when you step out on the edge….remember nothing’s broken only bruised. The what if’s, the fear, it’s just an illusion of our own making. You are already perfect in everyway, life is perfect in every way. Our bad days are here to teach us something that we have yet to learn and our good days are here to teach us to appreciate the lessons. There is no mountain that you can’t conquer….if only you would F.L.Y.

 

F.L.Y. = First Love Yourself

 

 

 

The Perfect Moment

     Staring out the window at the unknown that night, who knew that would be the one moment out of all of them that would stand out in my head as the perfect moment. It’s not always where you expect it to be. That perfect moment, we are all searching for. Sometimes it is in fact hidden in the tiniest of spaces, the ones so small that if we happen to blink at just the wrong time you would miss what you were seeking. Lately I have walked through many different moments that most people would be saying “I’ll never forget that”, but for me the whole journey will be remembered in just that one sunset.

 

     Never will I forget staring out the window of the plane that night, with the perfect picture staring back at me. No need for a camera, this one is burned in my brain. The landscape went from the darkest black, to a fiery red, and then turned into the most beautiful shade of blue that I had ever seen. From the inside of the plane, words from “A Course in Miracles” are reflecting in the glass, reminding me to breathe in the miracle that is right now and a voice from nowhere whispers “remember”.

 

     I have had a lot of big moments in my life lately, the kind that you would think that a girl would want to throw over her shoulder and carry with her. In the end however it’s not any of those that I am choosing to put in my heart for safe keeping for the future. I don’t need the dramatic things, never did, all I needed was that one small perfect moment looking out the window at that most amazing sky. That’s the moment I’m going to take with me, my perfect picture, my perfect moment.   

It Really is a Wonderful, Wonderful, WONDERFUL Life....

 

     Just over a year now since I started this blog. I’m proud of myself for not just starting it, but keeping it up. Being able to come into this space and write has given me a whole new way to process things when they come up. I’ve also found that I LOVE to write! The best part of all about it is in the declaring that I am living a “Fearless and Fabulous Life”, the magick of those words have transformed my world into something that I could have never imagined and wouldn’t trade for anything.

     In my old life my oldest daughter Ashton was lost in a world where nothing mattered except her next needle full of heroin, and my other daughter Alyssa was slipping away into a life full of grief and guilt for someone else’s choices. Me, I was just holding on for dear life trying not to break in two. Late in 2010 is when the real shifting started to take place. It came to a point where I finally and painfully let go of Ashton’s hand and just let her fall. I didn’t know it at the time, but that moment was building the strength in me for when I was going to have to do the same thing for Alyssa.

 

     Turns out…….

 

     The hardest thing to do usually is the right decision. Just beyond the veil of fear is a whole new wonderful life. The biggest lesson I have learned this year is the one thing to never be afraid of is letting go. To let go of someone you love doesn’t mean that you don’t love them, just that you trust in God to take you both where you are supposed to be. This has been a year of letting go. I have let go of old fears that have ruled my life, I have let go of friends that didn’t serve my new life, of a relationship that held me back and of many other things that no longer fit in my life. The best part is that as I let go I find that my heart doesn’t shrivel up from the pain of it, but opens in big new ways and allows the space for even greater things to come into my life. The lesson in there…never be afraid to let go, something better is waiting to fill that space.

 

     AND NOW….

 

     As I begin my 40^th year here in this wonderful world Ashton is celebrating her first year free of heroin. I am so proud of her for finding her way. I appreciate how hard it is some days because I understand how hard it is to have to feel not only your own pain, but that of those around you. I think this year she has found out that she is stronger than she ever imagined.                

      Ashton ….I love you more than I could ever have imagined that I could love someone. You saved my life the day that you came into it, and you continue to do so on a regular basis. I couldn’t be prouder of you. Even during the hard years, I never stopped loving you or believing that you would find your way. I know that things are still not exactly like you want them to be, but that just means they are how they are supposed to be. You are the color in my life, I love you.

     To be stuck in the darkness of guilt and grief is a place that so many people in this world get lost. To decide that one is unworthy of love or happiness is a trap that everyday people fall into. To watch someone you love hovering around that black hole and knowing that they have to save themselves is one of the hardest things I have ever done. To see the outcome when she decides on her own that she no longer has to be lost….worth every painful second spent watching.

     Alyssa….you bring a joy into this world that I cannot explain. You have always had a fire in you for life that was unlike anything that I have ever seen…you are my fearless girl. I am so glad that you discovered what I have always known, that you are worthy of love and you deserve to be happy. That man in your life is a good one, I love him for helping bring you back to life. Keep trusting….I love you more than words can express.

    TODAY….

 

     More than ever the words Fearless and Fabulous describe my life. I have been blessed with so much more than I could have ever imagined. This year will be all about adding to that. I will keep going to places that I have never gone before and doing things that I have never done. I will be grateful everyday for all of the blessings in my life, especially on the hard days.  Every night as I close my eyes to go to sleep, I will declare to the world that it really is a wonderful, wonderful, WONDERFUL life. I’m so grateful that it’s my life. 

Inspired By....

     Inspired; Aroused, or imbued with the spirit to do something, by or as if by divine influence.

 

     Inspiration; A thing or a person that inspires.

 

     I remember vividly the first time that I felt inspired by another person and understood what it was to be inspired. I was at a Kirby sales rally and a motivational speaker named Ernie Villenueva was giving a speech that I swear he meant just for me. I had never even known that there was such a thing as a motivational speaker before that day. This was the day that my thinking began to change. This was the first time that I remember knowing that I could be more than I was in that moment. I was in fact so inspired that I spent literally every last penny that I had to buy his set of cassettes so that I could continue to be inspired by what he had to say.

 

     I’m all grown up now and since that time there have been many amazing speakers that have graced my life and influenced my thinking. The main difference now is that I understand that the true inspiration in my life comes from everyone that I deal with on a daily basis. Clients, family, friends, coworkers, teachers, and even those that I don’t like, they are the ones who bring true inspiration into my world. They bring me my lessons, my blessings, make me laugh and sometimes make me cry. They hold up a mirror for me when there is something that I need to see, hold me when I hurt, accept my love and teach me to open my own heart to receive love. All of my greatest lessons and triumphs in life have been inspired by someone who has walked through my world.

 

     I received a phone call from a friend this week to thank me for making a difference in his world, and was reminded of the importance of letting the people who inspire us know that what they do matters. Once again someone who thought I was making a difference in their world was really making a difference in mine. So today I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has ever shifted my world for better or what seemed like worse at the time. I wouldn’t be who I am today with you having touched my life. It is through all of you, your struggles, your triumphs, your influence that I am able to live in the beauty that is my life. I am blessed and inspired by all of you who touch my life.

 

“When we become more fully aware that our success is due in large measure to the loyalty, helpfulness, and encouragement we have received from others, our desire grows to pass on similar gifts. Gratitude spurs us on to prove ourselves worthy of what others have done for us. The spirit of gratitude is a powerful energizer.” — Wilferd A. Peterson 

Cinderella VS. Reality

   

     Do we really want the fairytale?  That’s what we all say we want, that’s what we all claim to be searching for…right? The happily ever after that we were promised by all of the fairytale’s that we grew up on? Then we grow up go out in the world to find Prince Charming and when we figure out he’s not so charming we start the search again….and again if necessary. I’m starting to wonder does he exist, am I to picky, or do I just not really want the fairytale? The latter of course is always a possibility.

 

     Twice married, engaged, a live in for four years and I’m still looking. The worst part is when I think someone might actually fit what I want in my life I think I have a tendency to run as fast as possible in the other direction. Maybe it’s another one of those areas that is in the category of I know what the wrong guy looks like and I know what unhappiness looks like, but the happy side of love is so foreign and unfamiliar to me that I am just completely and totally unwilling to change.

 

     I am at this point completely willing to admit that since I subscribe to the philosophy that you only get what you give in life and when I have been upset that someone wouldn’t let me in their life in a real way that is a mirror of how far I really allowed them into my own life. I had some huge aha moments on that when my last boyfriend moved out of my house and no one could tell that he had left. I hadn’t let him all the way into my house, let alone my life.  Even knowing that, lately I wonder will I change it in the future or continue with the same behavior and keep getting the same results in my life. You do know the definition of insanity right?

 

     Thing is at the end of all the fairytales they told us that they lived happily ever after but they ended the story right after the wedding. So how do we know that Cinderella didn’t have seven kids, leave the Prince and end up living the life of a single mom, while collecting government money for food  because the Prince is late with the child support check again….Maybe if we knew the whole story we would have been better prepared for real life.

 

     While I do believe at the end of the day I will keep up my search for my fairytale, I will always think that it’s not really what the fairytales told us it was, but more like what most of us are out there doing. Living day to day the best we can, and really our happiness is on us anyway. So the reality is I am already living in my happily ever after.  

 

Defending Happy ?

 

 

     So this is what it’s come to…the world is in such bad shape that if you show up with a smile on your face you have to defend yourself for your decision to be happy. Who knew? I thought the goal of life was to find happiness, but lately I have all sorts of people telling me that is the wrong idea. Apparently I am supposed to only see the gray and dingy side of life. Problem is once you start to see life in color you don’t want to return to the gray.

 

     I thought long and hard about what to say in my defense of my happiness, and all I really got was I have no need to defend it. Happiness is a choice, just like it’s a choice to have a cup of coffee in the morning or a choice to buy bananas at the grocery store. I have just as many reasons to choose to live my life in darkness if that was the side of my life that I chose to dwell on. I actually chose to live a tremendous amount of my life in that darkness. Now even though sometimes I still have to walk through darkness to get to the light, I always choose to see the light. If you find that a bad quality to have, It’s only because you wish that you possessed it.

 

     My day today was blessed, because I have the eyes to see the blessings that God sent my way. I spend Wednesdays at the Southwest HIV Center where I have been blessed to know the most beautiful people. These are people who have all the reasons in the world to be unhappy and yet most are so grateful…for everything. I had a client today that was in complete gratitude for the pain that he felt in his feet because at least he could feel them, last week he couldn’t. When was the last time you took the time to be grateful for your feet, even when they hurt? Part of the reason that I love my life today is because I was able to be a witness to his gratitude and got a reminder to be grateful for the most basic of things that I possess. I can say thank you Spirit for putting this man in my life today so that I can remember when I think that things are hard to be always grateful for my blessings.

 

     I was also blessed to hold space for a friend that is going through a dark time in her life right now, and to walk away knowing that she is such a bright light in this world that no amount of that darkness will take that away. The thing that we all have to remember is that no light exists without the dark and no dark without the light. Sometimes we have to live in the darkness for awhile to be able to appreciate the light. I think that is what Tim McGraw is singing about when he sings “Live Like You Were Dying”.

 

     Today I said that I live a charmed life. Not because I have all sorts of material things, lots of money and incredible adventures. I live a charmed life because of all of the amazing people that I have in my life. All of the people that teach me daily how I want to live, because of all of the teachers in my life who have taught me to open my heart and see the world from a whole different perspective. I live a charmed life because I love and I am loved and I have the eyes to see it.